hi, everyone. let’s not get too ahead by tagging this blog post as my “comeback”; i didn’t really leave.
i grappled with the direction of this blog & overdosed on over-thinking. i think blogging is pretty cool. it seems like blogs often fit into categories like health, home improvement, food, or life as a stay-at-home-mom. my blog had an identity crisis–‘who am i?’ it wondered, followed by ‘how do i stay relevant?’
well, cheeks of rose and tiny toes fans, turns out the blog was silly for having such thoughts because it soon determined that its appeal is its originality. it is what it is: reflections on motherhood, random lulu details, & anything else it fancies [mostly reserving itself for the first two].
“reflections on motherhood” is the first direction we’ll travel in this post. as you know, over 9 months have passed since we last checked in. first reflection: what would i do without lulu? it is unfair to compare this current life to a life i will never live, but dare i say that life would lack its sparkle if not for lu? maybe. no doubt that moments have come where i casually reminisce about the freedom to attend happy hour or going to the gym without feeling exhausted or shopping without too much remorse [i’m sure that last one really gets those closest to me laughing because i still partake in the routine of going to a store, seeing something that i really like & can justify why it should be mine, then agonizing over how i don’t need it & that i should save money, so i put it back. maybe i felt this less before i had childcare expenses added to my budget?]
one struggle for me has been adapting to a new sense of flexibility. this is really humorous to me now, but i once thought i epitomized adaptability. “oh, we’re going to drink margaritas instead of red wine? that’s ok by me!” and today’s version: “BUT I THOUGHT WE COMMITTED TO DRINKING RED WINE.”
a modern-day example: trying to take advantage of the weekend, ry & i plan out the day. we begin it & then, lucy unexpectedly needs to nap. or getting ready takes longer than the allotted 45 minutes because while blow-drying my hair, i must create a make-shift gate [obstacle, really] of toys and books that prevents lucy from scaling the tub, which means that we now don’t have time to do one item on the grandiose list we created. not only that, but i feel like i didn’t do all that i could with my time. this feeling agitates me, yet i seem to experience this type of frustration almost daily because i perused people.com instead of sleeping–it felt good @ 9:45pm on wednesday, but hurts very badly at 5:30am thursday.
perhaps that is what becomes our biggest obstacle: we don’t fairly recognize or fully account for the limitations of the day. you know? we feel invigorated because the weekend has arrived which prompts us to ambitiously project our desired outcomes for the day. being honest, it is an accomplishment to do a load of laundry, fold it, & put it away. there’s so much we usually need to tend to in order to maintain the order & cleanliness of our home on the weekend. some can just jump into the weekend & carpe diem until 10pm sunday night. i wish that was me.
if there are unloaded laundry baskets plotted throughout our bedroom [which there normally are], or piles of mail/paper/electronics stacked to resemble the hanoi tower on the dining room table [this is pretty normal, too], or shoes along each step of the staircase waiting to find a home in their respective closets [always], i’m a mess. these conditions send me into a tizzy. all of this means i’m practically ready to breathe into a brown paper bag to control my anxiety that stems from trying to balance what i want to do with what i think needs to be done.
i think i entered new territory yesterday that might be the start of something big. ry had invited a friend over & she arrived before i came home. might this have happened on a “normal” day for me, i would have FREAKED. i would moan to ryan that the house was disorderly with dirty laundry in the bathroom, dog hair littering the floors, & the ever-present hanoi tower resting on the dining room table. all of this was still in play last night, but i didn’t care. company, schmopany–the house “is what it is” [such a relevant mantra nowadays]. i chose to enjoy the moment with our friend instead of frantically re-shleving lucy’s library.
it’s probably best to take on this new approach day-by-day & maybe it’s catching on. you know, i could’ve swept the stairs instead of indulging you & me by writing this post.